This week that is past I tried something different. Over the weekend I was feeling as if I was not living up to my potential and that I was not on the right path. A while back I had given my intuition an Australian accent so that I could easily identify it and hold mock conversations. What I was doing was clearly not working.
The many hours I was spending on mathematics and other academics were not providing much satisfaction or feeling of purpose. But I could not see my way clear to any other path for the time being. I still thought getting a matric and learning maths to be smart and at least partially in line with my goals. Without abandoning it I could take time to test other actions and see how they made me feel. I decided to not do “work” for a week unless I really felt excited by it or my intuition led me to it.
I went to Wits early so that I had a lot of time to socialize. I spoke with many people but none really in depth. I still felt unsatisfied. But I learned. After a few days I tested a few approaches and techniques and read articles on how to find and make great friendship.
I came to the conclusion that the reason I felt unsatisfied was because I was not nearly fully expressing myself and asking for what I wanted. Also that I was judging and discarding people before really getting to know them. If I thought about it there was a vast amount that other people did not know about me that had simply not come up in the conversation. It is probably exactly the same for them. I was being overhasty. By severely limiting the time I was missing all the opportunities for connection.
I was also not taking a lot of notice of their names. Who cares what their name is if you are never going to speak to them again? That is a mindset I do not like, one that is mindless and callous. I would not like it done to me, so change I would. And what does it help that there are many people around if I do not express myself and speak on my mind it helps little.
Thursday night I became sick, missing gymnastics practise, the party later that night, as well as a hike that I wanted to go to on Saturday. “work” does not feel right, but the alternative not either. Some limits are holding my back and their breaking eludes me.
I do not know what would be right, but this feels wrong. Just my thoughts in rough draft for now.
To happiness, and beyond!