I have been trying now for many months to eat vegan. This Tuesday I went to a picnic where there was food provided. I ate some cucumbers and chicken wraps and a bit of fruit salad. A bit later I ate not because I was still really hungry but because the food was there. I ate 4 slices of salami that was very fatty. In hindsight, there was entirely enough food and enough variety of food that I enjoy that I could totally have eaten only vegan food.
For a few days, I have pondered why I did not. Because this is not the first time where I could have not eaten meat, yet did. I say I want to eat vegan yet eat meat without really looking around and seeing the non-meat options. The food that people around me eat is not really a reason, more of an excuse to eat meat. Nobody forced me to eat meat, they did not even encourage me to do so. From every angle, it was my choice to eat meat.
I wondered if my subconscious and conscious beliefs were aligned, because why else would I say that I want something and not do it given the opportunity? Reconsidering whether I really wanted to eat vegan food, or whether it was just a top-down imposed should because I thought it would be better for me. Thinking to myself that I no longer have to abstain from eating meat I felt lighter.
Feeling as if I had less of a load to carry felt like a good sign. I no longer had to struggle against myself and be always on the alert to stop myself from making the “wrong” choice. I did not need to berate myself for eating eggs out of convenience or taste. I accept myself and how I act more and do not resist where I am now or try to force myself towards a higher level of performance or discipline than I realistically want. I could also connect more with the people around me and feel less different.
At another time I will experiment with vegetarian and veganism. Probably when my living arrangements/company I keep are less of an obstacle to dietary experimentation. It is a lot easier to eat a certain way if that is the only food in your kitchen.
From now on I am seeing how it goes with eating meat when I want to. I am still not going to consume dairy as I really believe it gives me more acne and overall decreases my health. By trail and error,
To happiness, and beyond!