It’s now my second week in jhb. It already feels like home, and I feel as if I have been living here for a long time. The grass isn’t always greener. For some reason, I expected that life would be totally different here, but it really isn’t. There are still dibbeltjies(small thorns) in the park. There is still a feeling of loneliness, isolation and purposelessness. I have been through a 4-day slump, which I only recognised as depression after the fact. My bare feet still mark me as weird and the people in our complex are either working adults or families with small children.
The parkour is a lot further than I thought and getting there with Uber costs R100 each way. I also disagreed about some fundamental principles of technique with the instructors. There is no trampoline or soft mats to practise flips on, so for now I don’t plan on going there regularly. I’m going to do gymnastics as the nearest sport that comes close.
I have decided what to do about my carpets that get dirty from my bare feet: just leave them. Washing my feet each time will be too much hassle, so I will just get professional carpet cleaners to clean it when we move out. My plan to make income was to find people who have cars that they need drivers for to drive for Uber. After talking with a few Uber drivers myself I realised that they already partially provide such a service and are much better placed to seize the opportunity than I.
I still feel very frustrated with my brother and father but know that I am just frustrated with the elements that they represent of myself. If it becomes unbearable I will make it a priority to move out but I think that sticking with it will turn out better in the long run. Leaving home prematurely could set me back for life.
I am still slowly acquiring the knowledge needed for a matric, using khan academy for math and physics. I think that I am not working at a fast enough pace to match normal schools, much less exceed it. I wonder if I procrastinate and distract myself out because I do not deeply believe that it is the right path, or because being spoon-fed my whole life I simply do not know how to work hard.
I know that I want to move more, but I do not know if I want to, or would be able to turn physical skills into a career. If I was already skilled and well advanced I would consider it more, but I am only a very unskilled beginner. I do not even have a `burning passion that compels me to exercise every day on my own.
Every few days to many times a day I feel great emotional pain, whether from loneliness or some other source. It takes a lot of effort to keep moving despite it and many times I merely try to numb myself with movies, books or other things that I don’t really find value in pursuing or enjoyable to indulge in. Somewhere along the line, I lost most of my ability to have fun, so on the days when I am finished and have accomplished much I have nothing to really unwind or recharge with.
Going back to school is an option but I not currently willing to give up the immense feeling of freedom that going barefoot gives me. Wearing shoes again would be saying yes to a grey life. One of bondage and restricted self-expression. There is an Abbot’s college in jhb, but they are very expensive and have hours of compulsive homework after school.
To happiness, and beyond!