Almost a year ago, I left school. You might want to read my post for the reasons why. I wanted to meet more compatible people and become a blogger. I cut off my contact with everyone from school and decided not to spend my time with people that bore me any longer. During the intervening time I tried many places, but none seemed to deliver the type of person that I was looking for. For the last month I have had particularly little human contact. I have stopped dancing and wanted to start doing parkour. It was simply too physically exhausting. Coupled with the fact that it was late at night, I could not sleep until late at night. It completely disrupted my sleep, and sent me into a negative spiral. I was tired so I didn’t eat right, eating a lot more bread and rusks than I should have or really wanted to.
I don’t know why I failed to connect with more compatible people. It may be that my standards are too high, expecting perfection in people when I am not perfect myself. Maybe it was just that I did not ask clearly and loudly enough – that I did not make my desires clear enough. I could be – and I have some suspicion that it is – that through fear I did not give people a chance and cut myself off from new people. Whatever the reason, it is clear that my social skills are horrible, and that I have not really improved much in the last few months.
I also admit that blogging is not doing it for me. when I started I did not take into account how much blogging is like a drug gang. A small group of elite insiders and a giant hoard of people trying to get in and subsisting marginal recompensation. I realized that I am not willing to make a five year bet that I can make it as a blogger, and if it does not pan out end up with no valuable skills. I realized that I want to be an entrepreneur, but not from the beginning and full-time. I want to have a cash flow that I can optimize from, and not have to wonder each month where I will find money to pay the rent. I am sure that I will eventually be able to turn blogging into an income stream, but the path is not enjoyable enough. I crave a lot more human interaction, and five or ten more years of being painfully lonely will cause my downfall. I want to find an occupation that is a lot more social. I also feel dissatisfied with a future that involves me sitting for many hour each day. We are not designed to sit in a chair, and the free spirit inside of my yearns for a more active lifestyle. I might be able to creat it by blogging with a speech recorder and then having it typed or using speech recognition, and I realize that it is very hard to find a worthwhile career that does not involve massive amounts of sitting in modern society. That is a problem that I do not yet know how to addresss. I want to do something else now that does not involve spellchecking, so this post is going out as a rough, rough, no editing draft.
I have not written many personal posts in a while and here’s why: I desperately wanted to leave a timeless and usefull legacy with this blog. I did not consider my own life as worth recording for that purpose. Who knows, maybe people love to hear the inside scoop on a confused teenager that is struggling to find meaning.