*Edit: This was two days ago. I now feel much better. It is really weird how one’s mood and outlook on life can change so easily.*
I am once again depressed. This does not bother me too much, as I now know that depression is not a defect but merely a protection mechanism to prevent the organism from wasting time and energy on actions that are not working. As Venkatesh Rao from ribbonfarm.com said:
“The key is to freak out early and freak out often (FEFO) in an agile way, and work towards a lifestyle that (ideally) feels like one continuously integrated and deployed mid-life crisis.”
I have now let go of my belief in a negative karma aka I now think that I do not owe the world anything, that I am not responsible for all the pain in the world, and that I do not need to always be trying my best to make the world a better place.
I also realized that I want to become more fit and exploit more of my physical potential before my youth goes by. I don’t have to do what I think will make the most money. I no longer need to oppress myself by denying what I want. I am not the Chosen One, so I do not need to worry about it and can do what I want to do that is only for myself.
I no longer need to try and maximize my growth. I think that my main reason to pursue personal growth was not joy, but a deep hurt and desire to feel as if I belong. I have made peace that I want to belong, and that I might never feel as if I do. Probably in some perverse, paradoxical way when I stop trying to belong, I will feel as if I do.
I will (once again) let go of my fear that I will not have enough and will not make it and do the things that I find fun. If I never become rich, so be it. You can still have a lot of fun, even if you spend most of your time wishing you had more money and procrastinating on actually doing something to get more.
Or I am just spouting bullshit and actually I just need to go back to school, get a soul-deadening job and watch movies until I die. It’s all crazy in my head right now.
To happiness, and beyond! (I hope)