I sent the hard drive with series to work with my father, so no temptation. During the night I was cold. Driving to school the car registered below 5℃. At school I was not warm for one instant, even in the class while writing. The paper was easy. They did not ask any of the difficult questions where you need to use simultaneous equations or calculate the breaking point of a rope. We wrote on Newtons’s 1-3 rd and gravitational law, as well as Coulomb’s law. I heard the one student say that they would be happy if they could just get 60% and this is from someone who works in class, goes to extra class and is not under average intelligence. I am convinced that the school system is broken. But how long until enough people notice it, and get the support to change it? How high does unemployment have to go? Or how low the standards?
At home, they were still taking off the tape from painting and my room smelled of turpentine, plus being freezing. I hung out with my brother in his room. He started plying Don’t Starve on a Steam library loan from his friend. I had loved the demo when I played it one time and was disappointed when my parents did not want to buy on a Steam Sale. The rest of the morning I watched him play and also played about 30 mins myself. I also started reading one of the books my father brought home from his bookshelf in his office. The Age of Unreason by Charles Handy. I read the first 3 chapters, now on pg 84. I forgot to mention it, but Wednesday I read Freakonomics by Steven D Levitt and Stephan J. Dubner. I had listened to some of their podcasts(too much repetition) and had really wanted to read the book. i was very pleasantly surprised when he brought it home. It’s very interesting and well worth the read.
I still feel quite depressed about my life. I know I am not learning anything from the people in my home environment, that I could learn a lot more and be constantly primed to be more productive by a different environment. The problem is that I have no Idea on how to find it. I am also still extremely lonely. Yesterday when watching Mentalist I thought more about the female actor’s boob than about the plot. I really want more from life, to grow more and be allowed more control. It feels as if society is forbidding me to develop further, that only when I am 18 will I be allowed to truly be myself and create my own path. It was a cruel twist of evolutionary fate that made humans sexually mature at 14 but only physically mature at 22(Not precise values, don’t quote me). As if emotional maturity is automatic at that age and not possible to reach before then. Fucking labels. Modern societies that repress their member’s sexuality for the years in between, instead of giving the necessary education and birth control to prevent teenage pregnancies.
I feel torn between not feeling well and wondering if I allowed myself to feel good, actively encouraged it would slow my progress and keep me in my comfort zone of my current situation. To not take the actions that are needed to improve drastically. I also contemplate whether I am beating myself up about something that is truly out of my control and if I should just accept my situation; or whether doing so would result in me being conditioned into learned helplessness.
My nose is running and I feel as if I am still not healthy after my sickness 3 weeks ago. The low energy levels lead to me being predictably pessimistic. Maybe using the Thinking Processes could lead me to a solution. Maybe not. There are too many maybes.
Anyway, tomorrow is a new day.
To happiness, and beyond!