Thoughts inspired by an article about passive-aggression.

I read this article about passive-aggression. It explained a lot of human behavior that I did not understand before. What I took away is that because we are dependent on our parents and they do not always satisfy all our needs; we either do not express our needs or desires, or suppress the desires themselves. We still have the needs but now we are also angry because people do not want to meet them. We are not allowed to express this rage, so we covertly sabotage the relationship and lie to them and ourselves about why we acted maliciously.

We all were dependent on our parents for survival. A newborn infant will die without a parent to feed it, but as time passes by the dependency lessens until somewhere between 18 and 25 people become independent.They can fend for themselves. So adults are mostly not dependent on a specific person for survival. Why then do they not express their need and feelings? Your parents are the only people who you really require and only when you are still a child. In other relationships, it is not necessary to suppress needs and desires or leave them unfulfilled. If one relationship cannot meet the needs of someone there are millions of people in the world; the chances are that someone will be able to fit those needs.

I have found that people usually cannot change things that they do not know about.  Only if people express their needs towards each other can they work towards satisfying them. I cannot change what I do not know about. They can also end the relationship and create space in their life for someone new. If the current people cannot meet your needs you are allowed to end your relationship and find one that works better for you.

According to years of research and testing people can only maintain relationships with a certain number of people at one time; before they start feeling that the people are just a number and not a person. In less advanced apes this number is approximately 50. Humans with their enlarged frontal cortex can maintain approximately 200 – 250 relationships at any one time, with about 5 close ones. This varies between people, but usually stays relatively constant over time for an individual

I think that you do not have to compromise, when you do you feel anger at other people for them forcing you to humble yourself and prevent you from filling your basic human needs: food, water, shelter, security, social interaction and love. When people do not fill these needs, they will inevitably be unhappy and feel as if something is missing.

Example: Two people meet and start having an intimate relationship. The one person only wants to hang out and socialize, but the other one wants to enter into a long-term commitment of time and money (eg. buy a classic car together). Because person one is not clear on what they want and feels it would be rude to say no, person one unwillingly invests a substantial part of their savings in a car that when brought does not really add to the person’s enjoyment. This sours the two friends’ relationships until at one point they become enemies and realize that they wasted a lot of time with someone who does not have goals that are compatible with theirs.

This frequently happens in heterosexual relationships between a man and a woman: one is looking for someone to help them raise their children, while the other one only wants an exclusive romantic relationship. Because they both do not express their desires and plans they end up in a relationship that leaves them unsatisfied. The person who just wanted to be in love now has children that are their responsibility, chaining them to a lifestyle they did not want. The one who wanted a parent sees that the other person’s heart is not in what they are doing and becomes unhappy. It all ends in tears and a lot of grief and recriminations.

This very frequently happens because people subscribe to the belief that each person only has one soul mate. One mate that is a romantic partner, lover and also parent rolled into one. That to have any other relationship is not possible as well as being a sin. In my opinion this is why the divorce rate worldwide is so high. People do not really check for compatibility of religion, values, type of relationship, length of relationship and goals. And even if people do check, they do it too late; many times only after they have decided to get married or have been in a relationship for 3 years. This is the wrong time.

In my opinion you should start with all this. You should first see if the relationship is in line with what you want, then take it further if you think you are searching for the same elusive concept of happiness. Compare that with what people usually do: start a relationship and hope for the best. Or just settle for the best they think they can get. On a scale of 1-10 people usually want at least a 7. When they try to find a relationship they usually tone down their demands, compromise and then settles for something like a 5 or six, consoling themselves with the false belief that you can’t get everything that you want in a relationship, you are not really allowed to ask for their commitment or extra affection or more spontaneous holiday weekends.Steve Pavlina(a personal development writer) wrote on the subject and inspired me in part.

This article also talks about it.

In school I hang out with a group of people, or rather two groups that slightly overlap, depending on what each group is doing. I have known Soné Hattingh for more than 2 years. I have been listening to Bittereinder(hip-hop Afrikaans music) almost continuously for two weeks after Kgomotso introduced me to them. The other day when we were in the IT lap for substitution she told me that she also goes crazy about them. We are friends and see each other almost daily at school, yet we did not even know that we shared a common interest in the same music. If such a thing can happen unnoticed between people who see each other almost daily, what about interests I share with people who I only see once or twice a year? What are all the other things that I am missing in my life just because people do not know that I am interested?

I am who I am so

DEAL WITH IT

That is part of the reason I started this blog. To find all the hidden connections in my life that I simply did not know about; to find people who have more shared context with me and have interests that lean more towards my own and to shed the layers of people that I am not compatible with as they learn things about me that I have not publicized up to now. I am not willing to be someone I am not and I do not want people in my life that do not accept me for what I am, for who I have to pretend and be someone who I am not.

To happiness, and beyond!

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