When I chose with my head and not my heart

When I was admitted to the mental hospital Akeso Clinic Parktown for the second time last week, it was because of depression. May had been a down month, so my doctor admitted me.

Once more it was the best place to be when my life is not good. The first time I was psychotic from bipolar disorder (which I still have). That was in November 2016, I had hoped never to be an in-patient again.

I was admitted. I am an extrovert so just being around people the whole day long helped me feel better. More routine was also good for me. The group classes they have there are very helpful. Some I knew and were boring to me. Others I had completely forgotten about. Something that I didn’t enjoy was the lack of fresh air because most of the patients there are smokers, so all the balconies are ruined.

After classes were done in the evening I was usually bored, so I took some board games with and played chess and checkers.

Romantic and sexual relationships between patients are not allowed. Despite that, I really enjoyed playing checkers with one woman. Her name was Sarah (not her real name). We would play checkers and talk. She talked mostly, but I found it absolutely wonderful to just listen to her. We would get so engrossed in the conversation that when we looked down to the board we would often not know which side we were playing as.

She was a smoker. She came out of a 2-year abusive relationship. She tried to kill herself. She gets very jealous. The list went on and on. So many reasons for me not to date her. Despite that, I was addicted. Playing checkers with her was the highlight of my day.

Seeing my psychologist and psychiatrist almost daily, I kept them informed of this new relationship. They did some research into her and told me what I already knew: She was bad news. Despite that, I was just getting more attached. My dysfunction had found a match in hers.

I had been put on Lithium and was feeling better. So to keep us apart they decided to discharge me. I said goodbye to her and left. I sent her number to my father and then deleted it on my phone. That night she called and we talked for the last time. In 5 years I will contact her again. Then she should have sorted out some of her issues and I should have sorted out some of mine. Hopefully, we can meet again then and maybe have a relationship that won’t just be an endless cycle of drama and dysfunction.

If we had stayed together it would have been a trainwreck, it would have been co-dependency, it would have been anger and tears and hurt feelings and drama. Intellectually I knew it would have been very very bad, but my heart was deeply attracted.

I chose with my head. It was not an easy choice. I had to delete her number, or I know that I would have contacted her again.

I was sad. I still am. Hopefully, as time goes by I will know for certain that I made the right choice.

Have you ever chosen with your head instead of your heart? Was it the right choice? Let me know in the comments.

Joshua Marais




Stealing Fire by Steven Kotler and Jamie Wheal

Rating: 5/5

One sentence: Non-ordinary states are fundamentally shifting our world

This book is documenting how the leading edge is using altered states to accelerate results. They are stealing the fire and making available to the masses peak and transcendental states.

We spend roughly $4 trillion every year chasing these states of Ecstasis

These states have 4 common characteristics: Selflessness, Timelessness, Effortlessness and Richness. STER for short.

This phenomenon has been happening under the radar because of the threat it presented to organised religion and bureaucracy. It has been happening almost as long as there were humans.

The four forces used for attaining this state: Psychology, Neurobiology, Pharmacology and Technology

Advances in all four these areas are making ecstatic states more available. To everyone, not just the super-elites.

Inducing these states is powerful. Very powerful. As this becomes easier to do for both benefit and harm it becomes essential that it is used in an ethical manner. Time will tell who will win this battle for control. Good or evil?

This battle will transform the world as we know it, in profound and far-reaching ways.

Read the book.

To happiness, and beyond!